My Ink Dance

Discovering Extraordinary Grace in an Ordinary Life

When did I become timid?

FIERCE, STRONG-WILLED, INDEPENDENT, HEADSTRONG, OUTSPOKEN.

All me. Or at least that was me.

shy lion

I’m not sure when things changed and I became….weak. At least it feels like weakness. When you’ve spent your whole life being one thing and you suddenly look in the mirror and you cannot recognize the person starting back, you start to wonder.

I wonder when things changed.

I wonder why I changed.

Is it a good change?

I’m timid in making decisions because I don’t want to disappoint. I want to make people happy. Why? So they’ll love me of course. Yes, a shrink would have a field day with me. We’ll save daddy issues for another day and just stick to my personality changes.

Is it a change or is it a shift? Is this something that happens when you get older and softer and worn into life? When you realize the ideals you once held don’t hold water and you feel like you’re drowning in the reality of life.

Life feels deep and strong and I suddenly am aware that I can be swept away in the current. I have this battle swirling inside me between my ideal heart and my real mind. I think I liked it better when I was only in my heart. Filling my mind hasn’t helped my heart, it’s only tugged at the strings.

heart

So, who do I want to be? Where do I want to be: my heart or my head? Being somewhere in between feels hard and weary making me long, not for youth, but the heart that I had in my youth.

Is this all part of living and growing older or is it a series of choices I’ve made because I’m afraid of who I am. Strong-willed doesn’t win you many friends. I eventually realized that strong and hard are two different things. Can I be one without the other?

What can be found between my heart and my head? Is that the place where I’ll find my voice?

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