Day 3: The Reality of the Now
Yesterday we talked about the value of letting go of the past. But that’s not the only thing that can keep our breath shallow and our knuckles white. The present can be pretty stifling in it’s own right.
It starts out innocently enough. Getting my feet on the floor is never easy, but once I do, I’m in it; I’m good. The clock isn’t mocking me and the to-do list is four items. The whole day is before me and I feel strong in the now.
And then it happens.
The milk spills, the shoes are lost, the weatherman was wrong. Whatever it is doesn’t matter because something always happens that tries to steal my contentment with the now. And it creeps up inside me until my shoulders are up to my ears and the thoughts scream silent in my head.
Working moms have it so much easier. At least they get a break.
Stay at home moms are so lucky. They don’t have to rush out the door.
What the heck am I going to eat? I don’t want to get fatter and fatter.
Why can’t the kids just listen?
Why can’t I stop yelling?
When will my house ever be clean?
Am I ever going to be enough?
The reality of the now and the irrationality of my thoughts are like a hand on my throat. And I miss breathing.
So I stand in my kitchen with my head drawn to my heart and let one word escape my clenched teeth: Jesus.
And that’s all I need to say.
The hand on my throat loosens and disappears as I lift my head. It comes again and again that one word, that one name spoken in exhale. My circumstances have not changed but my breathing has. I look on the wall and see words that fill up and release deeper:
“Nothing can overwhelm me like grace can overtake me.” Ann Voskamp’s words bring a bit of release. But then it comes fully as I take in His words “Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life.” Psalm 23:6
And I let go.
If you’ve missed the first few days of the journey, click on the link below to see the whole series.