Day 9: What Comes First?
Yes, start right here by breathing out.
I need to, so I figured it would be good for all of us.
Believing your are not enough can make things tricky in a marriage. Because he believed I was, or would be, so he said I do. But surely after all this time he sees the truth, right?
My fear of not measuring up leads to two things (and they’re not pretty): fear of him leaving and fear of him cheating.
Yes, it’s sad. Some may think it’s pathetic and insecure. But it’s real and that’s why I’m here.
What would happen if he cheated isn’t the big question for me. I’d figure it out then. I can’t prepare for that.
But the why. Now there’s a question I think I’ve got a handle on.
If I don’t believe I’m enough, why would he?
It’s almost like I’m looking for something to validate my insecurities.
Here’s the thing.
I’m not enough.
I am not enough to keep him faithful. I was never meant to be. He has to be enough. We have to be enough. Yes, I can work on my insecurities. But I will never be perfect. My imperfection is who I am.
Because here it is. If he cheated I’d be devastated, but I would not be obliterated. My husband’s humanity does not take away God’s divinity. My humanity does not take away God’s divinity.
I can’t control my husband’s choices. But I can control what I believe. Believing I am enough, now I can work on that. Believing that no matter what comes my way, God still has a good plan for me, I can do that.
Let me also say that this is not about my husband at all. He is wonderful, faithful, and loving. This is about me believing in who I am and who God is. This is about me dropping my shoulders and standing confident as I let go of my fears and breathe out fully.
Sometimes we feel better, so we breathe out. Sometimes we have to breathe out to feel better.
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