What’s Going on Up There?
Everything and nothing. It’s the way my mind works. It is full as it is empty. It is hope as it is afraid.
“The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffeine-addled, crippled by procrastination and consumed by feelings of panic, self-loathing and soul-crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day.” (Robert De Niro)
Switch out the caffeine with chocolate and you’ve described my life as a writer to the letter.
Sometimes even I wonder what’s going on in my head. The simultaneous push and pull of excitement and dread don’t make sense, but they seem to coexist just fine in there. Well, it’s just fine on the days that the wheels are working and things glide smoothly.
Other days are more like the world being dragged through rock in a wagon with no wheels. Sledding only works when there’s snow.
So why keep going? Why put up with it?
Because it is part of who I am. This idea of writing was woven into the fabric of my being, and I have a choice. I can chose to ignore it because I don’t know quite what it will look like or I can choose to embrace it and pursue the God who put it there.
That writing tab at the top of the page may not list any published work. My writing may not be polished wordsmith perfection. But being here in the unknown, showing up and bleeding onto the page, that is my sacrifice.
It is my show of faith that God has a plan even when I can’t understand. And I love that God honors that faith, even on the days when my mind twists and turns on itself.
God is honored in my faithful imperfection, and isn’t that the whole purpose?
About Becky Hastings
I am emotional and logical. I am strong and dependent. I am a juxtaposition of head and heart exploring it all through writing. And in all my mixed-up ways I am loved. I'm here to tell you that you are, too. Just the way you are.