My Ink Dance

Discovering Extraordinary Grace in an Ordinary Life

Can You Sacrifice Too Much?

Words burned hot and it was too soon to tell if they’d leave a scar. We didn’t recognize each other through the fire. I needed to cool down. I got in the car to go anywhere but here.

Serch S. Creative Commons

Serch S. Creative Commons

When you’ve been burned the last place you want to think is near the fire.

I grabbed keys and shoes and kids and pulled out without looking back.

I took them with me.

It was a non-decision really. A reflex so involuntary I had no idea that there was any other option.

Later, when all that was left were ashes and raw skin someone asked me why I took them with me. She said to go alone next time.

All I could think was no.

No.

I couldn’t go without them.

And when she pressed gentle through the wound to my heart I knew why it had never been an option.

How could I go anywhere without my identity?

The response was a quick dismissal, but the knowing sank deep.

In my effort to love and nurture and raise up while reading books and kissing boo boos and wiping noses. In my trying to keep my cool only to lose my patience while dressing and changing and refereeing. In all the ways I tried to give the best and show the best and be the best while wearing the mask of humility over my insecurity.

In my sacrifice I gave it all, and it was too much.

My children didn’t steal my identity; I willingly handed it to them piece by piece. I wondered if I were in a movie if people would see me or walk right through me.

It’s like the time I realized I’d lost my voice.

I spent so much time trying to find myself only to give it all away. And now I’m left to find it again.

Cherish Spears Valdez, Creative Commons

Cherish Spears Valdez, Creative Commons

There is beauty from ashes, but you have to face the fire first.

I’m not there yet, and that’s ok. But I know that it will come because God is bigger than the fire and the beauty was there all along.

 

I’m linking up today! Check out some other writers.

      Coffee for Your Heart 150

About Becky Hastings

I am emotional and logical. I am strong and dependent. I am a juxtaposition of head and heart exploring it all through writing. And in all my mixed-up ways I am loved. I’m here to tell you that you are, too. Just the way you are.

3 Replies

  1. In a lot of ways I can relate. Two years ago we moved to foster in a group home & it pushed me far beyond…everything. Dealing with the after effects now, but my faith is stronger than ever. It’s a strange place to be, fighting anxiety, sadness, stress overload (PTSD) and such while also feeling more confident in Christ, more bold in my faith and more sure of my need for Him and His greatness than ever before. May you be blessed in your journey!

  2. Becky,
    Thank you for sharing your story …so honestly and with hope….it is a process to find our identity in Christ alone and not in other things or roles, no matter how good…I could relate to your process and the leaning into the fire…Thankful God is with us…Praying peace for you, my brave sister…cheering for you 🙂

Leave a Reply