My Ink Dance

Discovering Extraordinary Grace in an Ordinary Life

When Your Past Crashes Into Your Present

There are parts of my past that I never want to visit again. Wounds now scarred over, I remember without the need to go back to that place, to those feelings.

But sometimes your past crashes into your present and that scar doesn’t look as healed as it did before.

And then what?

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There are parts of my story I keep close to my chest. I don’t know why, other than to think that it’s my past and I don’t want it to be what defines me. But the truth is it will always be part of me.

My biological father and I had a rocky relationship in my teens. My parents had divorced when I was three and by the time I hit my teens things were strained. We lost touch for a few years and then tried again to unearth a relationship. It didn’t work. Again we tried and again it didn’t work. And at some point, actually ten years and ten months ago we gave up.

I haven’t spoken to my biological father in a decade. He’s missed the most significant decade of my life. And I have no idea what I’ve missed.

But I know I worked hard to let go. I worked hard to forgive. And I kept forgiving and letting go until it didn’t hurt and I wasn’t angry.

But then…

Something from my past crashes into my present.

A birthday passes.

Someone I know sees him.

Something makes me remember.

And the crash has the potential to ruin me. To bring me back to broken places that I thought were healed long ago.

The only way for me to handle the impact without being destroyed is to forgive. Again and again. To forgive. Forgive things I thought were forgiven. Forgive broken and tender and insecure.

Because if I don’t forgive the crash will kill me. And I’ve come too far to let that happen.

I don’t know how I feel about this post. I don’t know if I can hit publish. It took more than five minutes because I kept stopping, censoring myself, my thoughts, my heart. But I want to write brave and free even when it feels broken.

Another step in this 31 day journey, you can see the other posts here.

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About Becky Hastings

I am emotional and logical. I am strong and dependent. I am a juxtaposition of head and heart exploring it all through writing. And in all my mixed-up ways I am loved. I'm here to tell you that you are, too. Just the way you are.

5 Replies

  1. Julie Nash


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