My Ink Dance

Discovering Extraordinary Grace in an Ordinary Life

When You Want To Be Someone Else

I think about all the gifts I have, posting them with hashtags and pictures to shout my gratitude across the virtual web of this great big world. I am full and grateful for my life and my people and my luxuries. But sometimes there is a whisper that feels like a curse in church.

Sometimes I want to be someone else.

 

image credit: crashinglybeautiful.tublr.com

image credit: crashinglybeautiful.tublr.com

It’s not a specific person, but the idea of a person really. Maybe the best parts of lots of people.

This one’s hair and that one’s hips.

The way she is with her kids and the way that one is with her husband.

Her friendships and the other one’s house.

The perfect job she makes look easy and the way her neighbor makes staying home look fun.

 

And I think I can just take pieces of who people are and build them into my own version of a person, my own version of me. But when I do that, when I try to wear pieces of other people, I’m only wearing a mask. The person inside is the same and after a while masks get heavy.

But sometimes I get so tired. So tired of living with this version of myself. And I wonder if I will ever be different. Will I ever be confident? Will I ever love myself? Will I ever believe I’m worthy of love?

And those questions bore deep and hollow out pieces of me like a drill. The pain of facing those feelings, those fears, those insecurities, feels like too much and leaves me with a hole. The real question is what is going to fill that hole?

I can fill it with more expectations, more wishing and more lies. I can try to fill it with people and see if the right man or the right friend can make me feel whole. Or I can be empty, hollowed out and wait.

Wait for the one thing that belongs.

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So I choose to be me. Whatever broken, hollowed out version I am right here in this moment.

And when I feel that draw to grab pieces of other people and carefully craft my mask, I’ll let the drill go deeper and stand hollowed out before the One who can fill me beautiful.

 

About Becky Hastings

I am emotional and logical. I am strong and dependent. I am a juxtaposition of head and heart exploring it all through writing. And in all my mixed-up ways I am loved. I'm here to tell you that you are, too. Just the way you are.

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