My Ink Dance

Discovering Extraordinary Grace in an Ordinary Life

I’m A Fraud

I sit here stringing together words to encourage you. Words that are honest and vulnerable, that hopefully leave you feeling encouraged or less alone in this complicated world.

Today, I feel like a fraud.

weed

For me, it feels easy to be open about real feelings and thoughts. It is part of who I am. I’ve written about how inferior I feel or how scared something makes me. I’ve written about my struggles with church and the hard things we face in relationships.

Words feel easy for me. Actions are not.

I saw a woman I know today. She was driving her luxury car and got out with her long hair and perfect body in a dress that was appropriately sexy for a grown woman.

I could feel myself begin to spiral.

My thoughts immediately turned against me, feeling like my flaws were neon signs for the world to see. I was jealous. I felt not good enough. I began to doubt myself.

And I hated the feeling.

It’s easy to say we believe something, but following through is another thing.

I’ve worked hard to tell you all how valuable you are. How God sees us in the right now, flaws and all, and loves us. He doesn’t love us for who we think we should be. He loves us for who we are.

And a hiss whispers deep inside me: that’s true for her, but not for me.

I’m tired of believing lies. I’m tired of the hiss, but I can’t seem to eradicate it from deep inside. I hate that about myself.

But God…

That’s what I keep coming back to.

But God…

He is bigger than any feeling I could have.

Nothing I feel will change the truth of

Whether I’m spiraling or faking it, whether I’m believing the truth or listening to a lie….God loves me.

So, I grabbed on to that. This time. I held it and pushed the feelings that were swirling inside at bay. I looked at that mom and I did something radical.

I complimented her. And I meant it.

Who she is has no bearing on who I'm not. Click To Tweet

Maybe I should go back and read my book. Better yet, maybe I should read more of HIS book. Maybe this whole faith thing is not going to be a one and done, check it off the list type of accomplishment.

Maybe believing is a series of choices to trust who God is more than what I feel.


Sharing words with these great writers today!

Faith Filled Friday

Holley-Gerth-Button-250x250 (2)

tellhisstory-badge

susan meadGraceTruth-300x300

kristin hill taylor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

About Becky Hastings

I am emotional and logical. I am strong and dependent. I am a juxtaposition of head and heart exploring it all through writing. And in all my mixed-up ways I am loved. I’m here to tell you that you are, too. Just the way you are.

25 Replies

  1. Sounds to me like you’re anything but a fraud! Your words let me know that you’re real, you’re honest, you’re oh-so-wise. And it’s a pleasure to meet you, my next door neighbor at Holley’s oh so early this morn …

    1. Becky Hastings

      It’s so nice meeting you too Linda! Thank you for the encouragement. I hope we cross paths more 🙂

  2. Smiling because I’ve said those very words to myself. We do act sometimes as if there were a fixed quantity in the universe of whatever trait we’re coveting – and the “covetee” is holding us back! Such lies we spin in our own hearts!

    1. Becky Hastings

      Oh, those lies dress themselves so well in what looks like truth, don’t they? Praying we see them for what they are everyday. Glad you’re here Michele!

  3. No better way to beat those feelings down than to offer a compliment and encourage the other person. It probably meant much to her too! Blessings!

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thanks Joanne. It was hard and felt a little forced (on my end), but I genuinely meant it. When we can look at one another and see the good without faulting ourselves, we will see more of Jesus!

  4. Thank you for being so real! Sometimes those lame thoughts come because you are being such a great example on here and someone knows that and wants to trip you up. Yay for sanctification! Visiting from tellhisstory #7

    1. Becky Hastings

      Kristina, Thank you so much for the reminder. It’s funny how we have to learn things over and over. I forget about the devil’s schemes and think it’s all me, all my flaws. But the spiritual end of things rages in all the air we cannot see. So glad you’re here! And Yay for sanctification is right!

  5. Hi Becky,
    I love your honesty! I love how you shared how that put-together woman made you feel and I don’t think you’re a fraud either. One way or another we bump into something or someone that stirs up those feelings but maybe they’re just a way of turning our eyes to look at ourselves through God’s perspective instead of our own!

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thank you Valerie! Sometimes I mistake hard things as negative, when they are meant to point me to God. His perspective is so much better than ours!

  6. Honest, inspiring, touching. We all feel like frauds somedays because we are real people full of insecurities – – – and we would be lost except we have God, we have one who sees and knows us, we have a better way. But God – – – -. Love that you chose to compliment and bless – totally freeing.

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thanks Tracey. It’s so true that we’re all in this boat that feels very rickety sometimes. But we forget Who holds the boat. We forget He is the water. And if we let go, we get more of HIM!

  7. I used to be jealous of a woman who is now one of my closest friends. I totally understand! Thanks for your transparancy!

    1. Becky Hastings

      That’s so funny Sarah. How did God bring you through those feelings to a place where you can be such close friends. I’m asking for a friend 😉

  8. Hi Becky! Nice to meet you on the #dancewithJesus linkup. Thank you for being authentic and real. Blessings to you!

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thanks fro being here Stacey. It’s always nice to have new friends to share truth with!

  9. You sound very real to me! May we all learn to look for His love in all those lonely and unlikable places. Blessings, liz

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thank you Liz. It’s funny how real and authentic can feel so easy sometimes, but other times I catch myself in those very places you mentioned. So glad we are never there alone!

  10. Becky, I think we can all relate to these words, especially those of us who write. 🙂 I can’t tell you how often the Lord uses something I wrote previously to bring conviction to me once again. When I feel like a hypocrite, I’m learning to remember that I’m a work in progress (Phil. 1:6), and I’m not finished yet. But even that is, well, a work in progress. 😉 So nice to “meet” you over at Grace and Truth!
    Jen @ Being Confident of This

    1. Becky Hastings

      Hi Jen! It’s so true that we are not finished yet. And it’s so true that I forget that! So glad you’re here today!

  11. Great post, Becky. I can certainly relate and am learning to keep my eyes on Jesus when things distract and cause me to feel “fraudish” and less-than. (Visiting from #GraceandTruth today.)

    1. Becky Hastings

      Karlene, keeping our eyes on Jesus is key, isn’t it? I so often turn my eyes to myself and my issues instead of looking to Him. So glad we can remind one another!

  12. I love this simple truth: “He is bigger than any feeling I could have.” It’s this truth that equips us to have victory over all of our wayward feelings, whatever they may be. Thank you for sharing this with us at Grace & Truth!

    1. Becky Hastings

      Thanks Jennifer. I need the reminder so often!!!

Leave a Reply